What Grand Theft Auto Has Taught Me Pt1

Grand Theft Auto is a game everybody in Generation X and Y has heard of. Whether it’s because we’ve played them ourselves and loved them, or been told ‘never to touch them’ by our concerned and overbearing mothers, there’s no denying that this title has created a name for itself both in and out of the gaming community.

With each new release comes a brand new controversy, and yet despite how many people despise them and petition for them to cease being made, Rockstar keeps churning them out. Though the changes are minimal with each new game, the company is making millions off them. Now I don’t know about you, but that tells me that somewhere in this game has to be a fibre of truth. There has to be a lesson to be learned, a fact to take from it that can help us in our daily lives. So I have put together what I believe to be, a completely factual, true and helpful list of all the life lessons we can learn from the Grand Theft Auto franchise.

Part one focuses on the ever elusive feeling: love.

Love
Love does not discriminate, it does not pick and choose, and it does not forget. However, it also is not kind, or forgiving. Love is one of the most complicated things out there, but whether we like it or not, eventually we’re going to fall into it. Thankfully, Grand Theft Auto protagonists also dabble in the art of love, and if we learn from their experiences we will surely be as successful as they are.

Dressing nice=getting laid

Most people don’t struggle with the art of sex (most people) however, for many of us, finding someone to get into the backseat of our car is near impossible. Possibly because we do things like turn to Grand Theft Auto for love advice, or meet all potential partners on WoW, but just because we’re slightly different than other swinging singles, doesn’t mean we deserve fun any less.

What GTA has taught me about the act of mating, is that if you dress to style, your chances of getting laid increase dramatically. For example, Niko Bellic changes his outfit for every woman he beds. The upper class city girl doesn’t sleep with him when he’s wearing trackies and a hoody, but dressed up in a suit and tie she simply can’t get enough. Therefore, if it worked that one time in a video game, it has to work in real life too. Dress to impress the lady you’re with and she will bed you. Simple. Easy. Done (much like the women this will work on).

Hookers have feelings, too

Yes they may sell their body for sex, but that doesn’t make them any less of a human being. Hookers are the ones who comfort us for fifty bucks when we’re lonely . When our partners are being bitches, hookers are the ones to make us feel better. When we’re driving down the street at 3am with nothing better to do with our time and a spare 20 in our pocket, hookers provide us with five minutes of entertainment. They’re a useful asset to us lonely people, so we should treat them right, just like the people in GTA do.

When you’re lucky enough to have a hooker grace you with her presence, make sure you take her somewhere nice and secluded. Simply parking on the edge of a deserted street isn’t enough. This woman is a working girl and she has standards (probably…deep down). A park, shady alcove or even a dark beach is more fitting to a woman of such class, so take her somewhere appropriate. And when it’s all over, remember, this girl is someone’s daughter. She is probably half the town’s mother. So running her over to get your money back isn’t appropriate.

The internet, and all the people on it, hate you

The internet is an amazing wondrous thing, and in Grand Theft Auto IV we have the ability to browse the internet in game. All the most entertaining aspects of the internet have been incorporated into the game, including ridiculously slow email servers filled with junk mail, flashy ads for over-priced ring tones and of course, internet dating websites. And just like real life, internet dating doesn’t work in GTA either.

No matter what you look like, what your interests are or how nice of a person you may be, everybody on the internet is better than you, and they know it. Women who are the size of an elephant will dismiss you because you play video games as a hobby. Men who are balding will hate you because your hair is curly. Old women on their deathbed will disregard you because you haven’t showered in three months.

Niko Bellic receives countless rejection emails from the women he pursues online. It doesn’t matter how many nice clothes he has, or how much money he’s acquired or how many times he has outrun the law, the women online simply don’t care. So take it from Niko, a skilled player of the internet, and give up now. Nobody online is going to love you, because somehow in their deluded little minds, they think they deserve better and thus, are all going to die alone.

Love can be a cruel mistress, torturing you until you’re broken and alone, or it can be a wonderful and joyous thing that holds you and keeps you warm at night. Heed the words of wisdom spoken from the heart of the GTA franchise and your experience will most definitely be a fulfilling one. Choose to take advice from other areas such as books, magazines or your imaginary friends and well, I just can’t be blamed for how many years you spend alone.

Damn Zombies

Ok, so quite honestly, this week I haven’t been playing much of anything. But that’s because a few days ago I went and fractured a bone in my hand. This sucks for many reasons, but the most prominent one is that it seriously hinders my gaming ability. I don’t know about you guys, but I find it incredibly hard to thrash people at Burnout or pump bullets into zombies with only one hand. (It might just be because I’m not leet enough, or something, but still)

However, before I went and got all gimped up, I managed to get a fair bit of play out of the new Red Dead Redemption dlc Undead Nightmare and today I’m slowly typing out what I thought of it.

Zombies are scary. Zombies are really, really scary. They’re pretty much my number one fear in the whole wide world.

And so normally, you’d think I’d stay away from anything zombie related. If I was normal, or sane, or had a brain inside my skull. Unfortunately, none of those things apply to me. I surround myself with zombie movies, always try and play zombie games and read stories about the (inevitable) zombie apocalypse.
Sometimes I try to rationalise my strange obsession and tell myself I’m simply overcoming my fears, but that’s just a lie. After countless hours filled with being terrified, I haven’t come any closer to conquering my fear. In fact, I think I’ve just made it a whole lot worse. And Undead Nightmare really hasn't helped.

What it’s about: The beautiful old West is tainted. A plague has hit this land, and there’s no explanation why, or how we get rid of it. All we know is that there are zombies everywhere, and in true old fashioned cowboy style we’re gonna go pump them full of bullets. Along the way we might get lucky enough to see a mythical creature, or meet some old favourites from our previous travels. Or we might just have our faces eaten off. Either way.

What I like:

• Rockstar have a notable reputation for never taking themselves too seriously, and their newly released dlc showcases that perfectly. Right from the very beginning the corny, creepy narrator creates an atmosphere reminiscent of a cheesy horror flick. Rockstar realise that the very idea of zombies invading the old west is ridiculous, and poke fun at this fact right from the start.
• “It’s not how you’re going to die, but when,” are the comforting words spoken to you at the beginning of online mode. And they’re correct. The mode consists of you and a group of other unfortunates fighting off wave after wave of zombies. There are more undead than there are people to fight them off and bullets to take them down. The mode only ends with your demise.
  
  I like to think I’m brave, but when hordes of undead are chasing after me bravery tends to fly out the window. I’m the girl who runs at the first sight of danger. I’ll be the one who climbs up onto the roof to pick off zombies from a place where they can’t get me. I sit on my couch and squeal like a little girl every time a zombie gets anywhere near me, and if I’m thrown into the heat of battle without any other option, I’ll be the one turning around in circles with a machine gun screaming at the top of my lungs. And that’s one of the reasons I enjoyed online mode so much… because I wasn’t the only one who did that.
  


I was grouped with a wide variety of people in my online escapades, but I found that they all belong to one of three very distinct categories.
Category One: People just like me. I got grouped with a bunch of people, men and women, girls and boys, who were just as scared as I am. Everytime a new wave of zombies appeared they would run screaming as far as they could get, which made me happy because I got to act like the big strong tough guy and blow some shit up. Plus there’s nothing funnier than hearing a man scream in terror while zombies try and eat his limbs.
Category Two: The tough guys. The tough guys are the ones you wanna be paired with every time. They’re the ones who realise that this is just a game, and the point of a game is to win. They blast everything that gets in their way, they revive you when you die, they pick up new weapons and rack up high scores. They are not afraid, and they will protect you if you are (although they probably won’t like it very much).
Category Three: The noobs. The noobs are great to play with, because like the tough guys they have no fear. Except they don’t quite have the skills to back them up. They fly in blind with guns blazing, killing everything that gets in their way… and everything that doesn’t. They dream of high scores and are fuelled by stupidity. They’re awesome
• In a time where everything is topsy turvy and people are dropping dead then coming back to life all around you, it’s always nice to see a friendly face. If you played Red Dead Redemption originally then you’re going to recognise a lot of people on your travels. Some have gotten themselves into humorous scenarios, others you have to save from certain death. They may not be the best people to see in a situation like this, but I know I’d rather spend a day with them than play a game of poker with a bunch of zombies.
  

What I don’t like:

• I like a challenge, even a scary challenge that’s going to give me nightmares for months on end. However I didn’t really find that with this game. Even though everybody is dead, I still found weapons and bullets to be in abundance. And I was in no way careful with my bullets. I shot everything. Although, I don’t know why I was hoping to find any realism in a Western game where everybody had turned into zombies.
• Zombies sometimes seem to spawn out of nowhere, which not only takes about ten years off my lifespan due to fright, but also kind of annoys me. Getting off my steed, for any reason, at any given point in time always seemed like a pretty dumb idea to me, but there are some points in your travels that you don’t really have a choice. Before I would jump to the ground, I’d turn in circles about a thousand times to make sure there was nothing sneaking up on me. But of course, as soon as I hop down to pick my flowers or whatever stupid thing has me getting off my horse, there they are. Creeping up on me trying to gnaw my ears straight off my face.

So by now it is no secret that zombies scare the shit out of me. If, nay, when we get hit by the zombie apocalypse, I have my plan all sorted out… Kind of. Not that it really matters because I’m going to be far too scared for my brain to work anyway. But that’s besides the point. The point is, that zombies terrify me, and yet I kept finding myself coming back to play Undead Nightmare over and over again. Admittedly I only played it for short bursts at a time, but those brief hours (or minutes) were always enjoyable in a cripplingly scary sort of way. Normal people with normal fears probably won’t be nearly as freaked out, but they’ll definitely still be entertained by this interesting add-on to an already awesome game.

Will I still be playing it next week: Yes, because I'm an idiot. Or really brave. (Probably just an idiot)